SANTA NEEDS A LAWYER AND SHOULD TAKE THE FIFTH

According to the next of kin, “Grandma” was “found at the scene of the attack on Christmas morning. She had hoof-prints on her forehead, and incriminating Claus marks on her back”.

They seem certain that she was run over by a reindeer.  It is only a matter of time before detectives will want to speak to the only person who owns reindeer and uses them as his primary means of transportation.  “The Claus marks on her back” could well be something that is unique only to Mr. Kringle.

If the attack happened in Florida, Santa is facing a maximum 30 years in prison!  It seems he left the scene of an accident and will likely be accused of causing her death.

Traffic laws apply to animals being used as transportation just like if they are cars (316.073).  If Santa failed to leave his contact information he’s looking at a four-year minimum mandatory sentence and a three-year license suspension in addition to a maximum 30 years in prison.

Don’t lose the Christmas spirit yet.   The case hinges on the State being able to prove who was actually driving the reindeer that night.  Was it Santa?  Did they just get loose? Was it an elf or anyone else?   It doesn’t seem that anyone actually saw it happen, they just assumed.

If Santa is questioned and admits to driving- or the police think he was the driver- he will be arrested and may not be allowed to bail out since he is a foreign national of the North Pole (a country which the United States does not have any diplomatic relations or the ability to extradite).

Santa has nothing to gain from talking and should definitely take the Fifth.  He has the right to remain silent, let’s just hope he has the ability!

Assuming he was driving and did run over Grandma, there’s still hope with the right defense.  The State has to prove that he actually killed Grandma beyond a reasonable doubt.  With the cold temperature, a medical examiner is going to have a lot of trouble determining the time of death.

It’s not such a stretch to wonder if Grandma staggered outside side (apparently after too much spiked eggnog), collapsed, and froze to death.  If Grandma was already dead, Santa didn’t cause her death.  That reason to wonder is reason to doubt and a jury can’t find him guilty.

The lesson: with the right defense Christmas can be saved!

The Lyrics:

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa
But as for me and grandpa we believe
She’d been drinking too much eggnog
And we begged her not to go
But she forgot her medication
And she staggered out the door into the snow
When we found her Christmas morning
At the scene of the attack
She had hoof-prints on her forehead
And incriminating Claus marks on her back
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa
But as for me and grandpa we believe
Now we’re all so proud of grandpa
He’s been taking this so well
See him in there watching football
Drinking beer and playing cards with cousin Mel
It’s not Christmas without Grandma
All the family’s dressed in black
And we just can’t help but wonder
Should we open up her gifts
Or send them back (send them back)
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa
But as for me and grandpa we believe
Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig
And the blue and silver candles
That would just have matched the hair on grandma’s wig
I’ve warned all my friends and neighbors
Better watch out for yourselves
They should never give a license
To a man who drives a sleigh
And plays with elves
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa
But as for me and grandpa we believe
Singin’ grandpa
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa
But as for me and grandpa we believe
Merry Christmas
Songwriters: Randy Brooks

Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer lyrics © BMG Rights Management

About Matthew Ladd

Federal Criminal Attorney practicing in Miami-Dade County with our office in Coral Gables. Matthew Ladd is a former prosecutor with the Miami-Dade State Attorney's Office. He is a graduate of Syracuse University College of Law and received his bachelor's degree from Marshall University.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *